Archive for the ‘Out of Bounds’ Category
Last Sunday, shortly before Kobe committed aggravated burglary in Boston (the highlight of my NBA season thus far), I remembered all over again how much I hate the Boston Celtics. Just the sight of Paul Pierce getting tangled up with Ron Artest right before tip-off evoked irrational thoughts of rage that should certainly have me at CVS picking up my Paxil prescription.
On Monday morning, I spent a solid hour reading every single pro-Boston panic column I could find. I just couldn’t get enough, “Trade Ray Allen”, “We blew the game”, “Kobe hit a great shot” references. It was like basketball porn – and those five words alone are creepy enough that I will not edit them out of this column. Like I said, I should be medicated.
All of my Celtic-hate fashioned a rather interesting question that I’m going to throw out there to all of you TLN’ers to hear what you guys think. Let’s say you meet someone, and after a few weeks, you realize that you’re really digging them. Around date number four or so, sports comes up and they lay the following on you:
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I talk an awful lot about overly emotional Lakers’ fans – primarily because I am a recovering one myself. If I were to create an F-Bomb Usage Chart that spanned the entirety of my life, it would look something like this:
Lakers Specific: 90%
Basketball Related: 7%
First Day of Wakeboarding: 1%
First Day of Snowboarding: 1%
That Time my Ex Tried to keep me from seeing my Dog: 1%
On Tuesday, I had a minor relapse, dropping a big F-You on Twitter in the direction of Lebron James’ and the Cavs. To those I offended, please accept my sincere apologies. While my anger may have been vented towards Lebron, it certainly had a lot more to do with the disappointing and deflating play of the Lakers.
Last season, a distinctly hungrier Lakers’ team met, and conquered, almost every single challenge the regular season placed in their path. Around this time, they were busy dominating a late-January road trip (6-0) that concluded with back-to-back victories over the Celtics (swept 2-0) and Cavs (swept 2-0). This year, well…
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I can be a superstitious person, but only when it comes to sports. I remember one specific occasion where I forced my self-absorption on the other ill-fated members of my family. During a game against the Mavericks back in 2002, I insisted they all wear Lakers’ gear before joining me in the living room to watch the game. By the end of the third quarter, I realized exactly why the Lakers’ were getting Snookied by the Mavs on National TV. My Mom was wearing a Lakers’ Van Exel jersey… and Nick the Quick was busy carving up the Lakers defense for the Mavs.
How could I have made such an unforgivable mistake? I sprinted to my room, grabbed a Magic Johnson throwback and demanded that she change immediately. My confused (and noticeably annoyed) Mom reluctantly agreed to swap jerseys. When she finally returned to the living room rocking the #32, the whole game had changed. In the end, the Lakers had mounted a 27-point rally in the fourth quarter to beat Dallas – the second greatest comeback in NBA history.
True story.
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I really enjoy watching a good love story (briefly pausing while you quietly judge me). This would really work to my advantage if I ever found myself in this position:
Girl: Are you really watching another basketball game tonight!?
Me: Baby, that’s why God created NBA League Pass.
Girl: What about me!? What about what I want to watch?
Me: I’ll make a deal with you. For every NBA game that I watch, we can watch one of your chick-flick love stories together?
Girl: Um, really!? You would actually do that?
Me: Ordinarily, no… but for you, absolutely. Not everything in this relationship has to be about me.
Girl: OMG, you’re the best!
One of the most enjoyable love stories I have seen is 500 Days of Summer (if you haven’t seen it, you really should). About two-thirds of the way through the film, there is a brilliant scene that perfectly illustrates exactly why we are all frustrated with the recent play of the Lakers:
Reality vs. Expectation.
Most of us secretly (or not-so-secretly) thought the Lakers would do the NBA schedule like Jason Voorhes does Spring Break. Of course, we weren’t alone in our observations. Reggie Miller predicted the Lakers would start the season at 20-1. Kenny Smith expected a healthy Lakers team to challenge the ’96 Chicago Bulls regular season wins record (72-10). 8/10 NBA.com analysts and 19/20 ESPN.com analysts picked the Lakers to run away with the West.
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It’s been a crazy week in the world of sports. A superstar athlete cheated on his wife? Are you serious? That’s as surprising as Rasheed leading the league in T’s (again) with 10 after tonight’s mini-tantrum (the highlight of my night). I really am trying hard to avoid writing a column about Tiger Woods. I think the best way to do that is to kick off my random thoughts by talking about the real player of the decade, Kobe Bryant.
Kobe Bryant.
It’s hard to find words that fully illustrate the greatness of Kobe Bryant. After much deliberation, (and the elimination of several lifeless analogies) I have decided that nothing sums it up better than the remarkable answer to this question:
Which of the following headlines are more newsworthy?
Bryant Misses at the Buzzer, Lakers head to OT in Milwaukee.
Kobe Drains Game-Winner as Time Expires, Lakers Win.
Think about it.
When Kobe missed a potential game-winner at the end of regulation, I was completely floored. It was like eating at Panda Express and not ending up with a mild case of irritable bowel syndrome by the end of the night – it’s happened so many times that you have just come to expect it. When it doesn’t, you’re legitimately shocked.
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Congrats to Steve Lee for winning a 1-year subscription to SLAM Magazine for his question in last weeks’ Out of Bounds Mailbag!
Keep sending in your questions/comments for next months’ OOB Mailbag! I’ll be giving away some great prizes from AXE Hair for my favorite emails and tweets! Follow AXE Hair on Twitter, or check out their latest Hot Tweeter contest!
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I spent a few years of my life in corporate America. I met some great people during that time; but I miss the job like we all miss G6 of the ’08 Finals.
Most of my days started with me waking up and slipping on my work sweater. Am I the only one who had a work sweater? I owned three (all different colors), and rotated them throughout the week. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about; a few of you are even wearing yours right now. My work sweaters screamed I am a 50-year-old trapped in a 20-year-olds body – perfect for the corporate world.
The majority of my professional life was depleted by bouncing in and out of meeting rooms, conference calls and campus coffee shops. I even learned a whole new language – acronym’s like ETA and SLA suddenly didn’t sound like someone mumbling during a seizure. There were three things that got me through that season of life:
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The Lakers have been rather un-Hollywood since Pau Gasol returned to the lineup. The last three games have been slightly less exciting than a 60-minute exclusive on global warming with Al Gore.
They completely wiped the floor with the struggling Chicago Bulls (108-93). Did anyone think they would miss Ben Gordon this much? They blasted the surprisingly competitive “Zombie Sonics” (101-85). Most shocking? Sasha knocked down an open jumper. That was almost as remarkable as Kobe’s behind-the-backboard how-the-eff-did-he-just-make-that shot in the first quarter.
Last night, the NBDL Knicks were in town. Once upon a time, this game used to matter. The world was a very different place then – The twin towers still overlooked New York City and Khloe Kardashian was just the fat-scary-chick in high school. New York clanged 22 shots from downtown (not a typo) while the Lakers methodically took care of business (100-90).
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About a year ago, I was dating a girl that told me I had the emotional aptitude of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2.
Wait, you have seen Terminator 2?
For the record, those are the kind of man statements that you should file away with other gems like maybe try eating a little less or invite your really hot friend to come out with us tonight. A narrative of the Connor, Terminator relationship dynamics will only prove her point. It will end as badly as Len Bias’ NBA career. Just trust me on this one.
We, the people of The Lakers Nation, certainly aren’t lacking in the emotional department. We are closer to the Tom Cruise on Oprah side of the fence. Eleven games in, and Twitter has been on fire with enthusiasm, and a little bit of rage. After a Lakers’ loss, you can expect more F-bombs than a Christian Bale rant; after a Lakers’ win, everyone gets Hannah Montana/Nickelodeon happy. I love the passion of my Lakers’ Twitter Fam, and it’s a shame the Lakers’ don’t play with that same energy every time they take the floor. Here are some of my favorite emotional Tweets from this past week:
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I’m giddy thinking about the start of the NBA season tomorrow. Here are 9 headlines/observations/predictions I expect to see this year:
Ron Artest vs. Rasheed Wallace.
Has anyone else stopped to think about this matchup?
The Lakers and the Celtics.
The two premier franchises in the NBA.
The last two NBA Champions.
The two favorites to get to the NBA Finals.
And, introducing for the ’09-’10 season… The two craziest NBA athletes of this decade.
Ron Artest Crazy vs. Rasheed Wallace Crazy.
Could there possibly be a better subplot to this rivalry? Somewhere in the world, David Stern is having a night terror dreaming about what could happen if Ron and Rasheed got heated at the same time. Riots? Blood? Fire? Death? There is no cap on the possibilities here. This story is as intriguing to me as any story in the NBA this season.
Let me just say this: There’s no way this goes smoothly for both teams…
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